Definition: A Biker
is one who rides a bike or motorcycle. The term Biker
brings up different images to different people. Biker has an edge to it that
speaks to a lifestyle. The term Motorcyclist is used interchangeably at
times but Motorcyclist doesn't seem to have the same edge. A lifestyle
change may not be as pronounced as with the term Biker.
The Ten Commandments
of Harley Davidson
1. The one true american-made motorcycle is the Harley-davidson,
and thou shalt put no other motorcycles before it.
2. Thou shalt not bow down and worship nor serve the god of chrome;
for, lo, he is a false god and will not get thy butt home.
3. Honor thy authorized dealer and thy hog chapter officers,
that thy days may be long and fruitful in the land of Harley.
4. Remember the weekend, and keep it open. for it is written, five days
shalt thou labor, and for two days shalt thou ride thy Harley, drink beer, and fuck off.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Harley, nor her manservant,
nor her maidservant, nor her ox, nor her cute little ass.
6. From the throne of thine Harley, thou shalt not stoop to wave at sinners
who ride jap-crap, for jap-crap is known to be the handiwork of the devil.
7. Thou shalt not pass by nor turn away from thy brother Harley
rider who is in mechanical distress.
8. Thou shalt not pose. verily, i say unto you, it is easier for a poser to pass his gold visa card
through the eye of a needle than to enter into the true fellowship of Harley-davidson heaven.
9. When riding thy Harley on the road of life, thou shalt not whine nor
snivel, and thou shalt not suffer to ride alongside those who do.
10. Park not thy Harley in the darkness of thine garage, that it may collectdust for want
of being oft ridden, ride thy Harley with thy brethren, and rejoice in the spirit of the road.
This is so true it's scary...Since
the pledge of allegiance and The Lord's
Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God"
is mentioned... a kid in Arizona wrote the attached New School Prayer.
Now I sit me down in school
where praying is against the rule
for this great nation under God
finds mention of him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
it violates the Bill of Rights
and anytime my head I bow
becomes a federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
that's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must mediate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
and pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but First the Bible.
To quote the good book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
and the 'unwed' daddy; our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
we're taught that such judgements do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth control,
study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
when chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord. This silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Back - when all bikers
Back when all bikers were MEN-
There was NO such think as a stoolie!
But that was - 'Way back when'!
That was when bikers had
That was when bikers had 'CLASS'!
One would sacrifice his ass for a brother!
TODAY? His brother! - To save his OWN ASS!
But all are not like that
- THANK GOD!
You'll have to admit - there's been a few!
I know that you can trust ME bro --
But then - I don't know about YOU!
Of course I say that just
You KNOW I trust YOU bro!
But - if I don't tell you EVERYTHING --
Just MAYBE - it's shit you shouldn't know!
NOW - put that 'shoe on
the OTHER foot' --
You KNOW you can trust me - BUT -
If it's something I don't NEED to know --
Then Keep your damned mouth SHUT!
And - The cops tell you
that shit -
That if you talk you'll get less time -
Just remember that old saying:
If you can't do time, don't do the crime!
Police Dept's Office Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached
the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close attention as
we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive.
Please select one of the following options:
*To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created
yourself, press 1.
*To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about
a problem, press 2.
*To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying
to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
*If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
*If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical
dependency or alcohol, press 5.
*If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took
years to deteriorate, press 6.
*To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take
enforcement action against you, press 7.
*To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to
proclaim our career is over, press 8.
*To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for
police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9.
*Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer
support and remember.....we're here to save your ass, NOT kiss it!
Thanks for calling your local police dept. and have a nice day.
Let's see if I understand how the world works
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your
family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun
manufacturer.And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to
kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the
mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if
I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I
want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?
Biker Road Rules
Midnight Bugs taste Best
Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
Wear Heavy Boots. You can't kick things when you're wearin' sneakers
NEVER argue with a woman holding a torque wrench
If you're a complainer, ride at the back of the pack
so you won't contaminate the rest of the group.
Never try to race an old Geezer, he may have one more gear than you.
The size of the PISTON don't tell you nothin' about the DEPTH of the stroke.
Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
You'll get farther down the road if you learn to use more than two fingers on the front brake.
Routine maintenance should never be neglected
It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed.
The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
Never be afraid to slow down.
Only Bikers understand why dogs love to stick their heads out car windows.
Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
Never ask a biker for directions if you're in a hurry to get there.
If it take more than 3 bolts to hold it on, it's probably crucial.
Anything that shows up on more than 2 bikes is a FAD.
Remember that you will be judged by the Horse you rode in on.
Don't ride so late into the night that you sleep through the sunrise.
Pie and Coffee are as important as gasoline.
The number of kicks it takes to start your bike is directly
proportional to the number of spectators.
Never ask your bike to scream before her throat is good and warm.
Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of gas before you can think straight.
If you want to get a job, you may have to compromise your principals,
you may even have to shave.
Riding faster than everyone else only guarantees you'll ride alone.
Never hesitate to ride past the last street light at the edge of town.
Never loan your bike to someone else, and never ride another's.
If the bike ain't braking properly, you don't start by rebuilding the engine.
Motorcycling is a giant game of Mines Bigger than yours!
Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor.
Sometimes the best communication happens when you're on seperate bikes.
Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
Good coffee should be indistinquishable from 50 weight motor oil.
The best alarm clock is sunshine on Chrome.
Learn to do counterintuitive things that may someday save your butt.
The twisties-not the superslabs-seperate the bikers from the squids.
Beware the biker whose ink peels off.
New leather don't smell right.
When you're riding lead--don't spit.
If you really want to know what's going on, watch what's happening at least 5 cars ahead.
Don't make a reputation you'll have to live down or run away from later.
If the person in the next lane at the stoplight rolls up the window and
locks the door, support their view of life by snarling at them.
Smoke and grease can hide a multitude of errors, but only for so long.
A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2am to drive his pickup to the
middle of nowhere to get you when you're broken down.
If she changes her oil more than she changes her mind--follow her.
The thicker your oil, the hotter you can take it.
Catchin a June bug @ 70 mph can double your vocabulary.
If you want to get somewhere before sundown, you can't stop at every tavern.
There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
You can always hear a classic open primary-
it sounds like $1.34 in change is loose in the friction plates.
Hunger can make even roadkill taste good.
You gotta be smart enough to understand the rules of motorcycling,
and dumb enough to think the games important.
Don't lead the pack if you don't know where you're goin'.
If you leave without one of your group, you better hope he doesn't catch up at the next stop.
Sleep with one arm thru the spokes and keep your pants on.
Practice wrenching on your own bike.
Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't.
Three things can't be trusted: a fart, a cook, and a rear view mirror.
Beware the biker who says the bike never breaks down. Some bikes run on 99-octane ego.
Owning 2 bikes is useful because at least one can be raided for parts at any given time.
You'll know she loves you if she offers to let you ride her bike.
Don't do it and she'll love you even more.
Don't argue with an 18-wheeler.
Don't lean on the horn 'til you're out of danger. Then blast it for all you're worth.
Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit.
Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
A good long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and use up a lot of gasoline.
If the country side seems boring, stop, get off your bike, and go sit in the
ditch long enough to appreciate what was here before the asphalt came.
If you can't get it goin with bungee cords and electricians tape-it's serious.
If you ride like there's no tomorrow-there won't be.
Bikes parked out front mean good chicken-fried steak inside.
If you want to complain about the pace being set by the road captain,
you better be prepared to lead the group yourself.
Gray-haired bikers don't get that way from pure luck.
There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. there are NO old, drunk bikers.
We don't need no steenkin' weekend warriors.
Thin leather looks good in the bar, but it won't save you from "road rash" if you go down.
The best modifications cannot be seen from the outside.
Always replace the cheapest parts first.
You can forget what you do for a livin when your knees are in the breeze.
No matter what marque you ride, it's all the same wind.
It takes both pistons and cylinders to make a bike run.
One is not more important than the other.
You might be a Biker if:
Your wife has ever asked you to move the bike
so she could see the TV better.
You have ever had to borrow a helmet for your date.
You have ever left your wife at home so you would have room on the scoot for beer.
You have ever bought saddlebags so you could carry more beer.
You ever had the wife follow you in the car so she could bring even more beer!
Your best friends are named after reptiles.
You own 26 black T-shirts.
You consider Iron Horse deep reading.
Taking your wife on a cruise means a putt down the interstate.
Your best shoes have steel toes.
You ever quit a job to go to Sturgis.
You took the job to pay for the rest of your tattoo.
You have ever had motorcycle parts in the dish washer.
You have more than one peanut tank lying around the house.
You use your bandana as a skull cap and a gas cap!
You wear everything leather (even your underwear!)
Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
You can ride a motorcycle and eat a wiener suspended above you on a hook at
the same time.
Every article of clothing you own has the letters "FTW" on it.
You buy your 3-year old niece a Harley Davidson t-shirt.
You enjoy drinking out of human skulls. (private joke)
You take your little sister to a head shop.
You have your bike tore apart in your living room.
Tattoos, tattoos, tattoos.
Sturgis is your dream vacation.
You named your bike "Shania."
MOTORCYCLE MOVIE LIST
10 BEST OF THE WORST
Dr. Gizmo Doodad
I have been around
since before the introduction of the panhead. In view of that fact let
me say that I grew up with the motorcycle films. Starting in 1954 producers
like Stanley Kramer and Roger Corman saw an opportunity for profit by making
inexpensively financed movies, which appealed to teenagers, like the biker
exploitation films. I saw all these flickers as a kid back in the
days of 10¢ popcorn. I was mesmerized as I sat in the dark theater
and watched as the big machines thumped-a-thumped across the silver screen.
So like everything else in life that has to do with American sickels and the lifestyle that goes with them, I, Dr. Gizmo Doodad*, am also an expert in the field of motorcycle cinematography. And with that in mind, I have decided to throw caution to the winds by releasing a list of my favorite biker movies. Some of the movies on my list are considered by many enthusiasts to be classic films. In reality though there have only been a few good biker pictures made. The common thread running through most motorcycle flicks is that the acting is amateur or just plain corny and the film budget is low.
In order to make my movie list an American V-twin motorcycle must have appeared in the movie and played an important part in the story line. As an added bonus, I have included the actors that stared in these movies. Interestingly some of these relatively unknown performers went on to fame and glory in later films.
Some of the movies I have selected are available at your local video rental stores and libraries. Others are available through catalogs and by searching the Internet for sites that deal in this particular genre.
I know that if you are reading this publication you are well educated and informed. I'm sure that you have an excellent job with a six figure income. That means that you probably have a lot of free time on your hands. So why not cuddle up with big momma and a couple of cases of suds and pop one of these films into the old video player.
Dr. Gizmo Doodad's 10 all time favorite motorcycle
They are presented in the order of the year in which they were released
+The Wild One (1954)
Marlon Brando, Lee Marvin, Mary Murphy
The granddaddy of all biker films. The bad guys rode the Harley's.
+Born Losers (1967) Tom Loughlin, Elizabeth James, Jeremy Slate, Jane Russell
Written and directed by Tom Loughlin. First of the Billy-Jack trilogy.
+Devil's Angels (1967) John Cassavetes, Beverly Adams, Mimsy Farmer
Cassavetes is the original psycho biker.
+Hell's Angels On Wheels (1967) Adam Roarke, Jack Nicholson, Sonny Barger
You'll lose count of the gang fights.
+Rebel Rousers (1967) Jack Nicholson, Bruce Dern, Dianne Ladd, Cameron Michell
You can't go wrong with big Jack.
+The Glory Stompers (1968) Dennis Hopper, Jody McCrea, Jock Mahoney
Jock Mahoney played Tarzan in several films and he's Sally Fields dad.
+Easy Rider (1969) Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper, Jack Nicholson
If you ain't seen this one you should be ashamed.
+C.C. and Company (1970) Joe Namath, Ann Margaret, William Smith
Broadway Joe was always cool. Ann Margaret is an 11
+Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991) Mickey Rourke, Don Johnson
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid on wheels. Pretty good buddy flick.
+Terminator 2-Judgment Day (1991) Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton
Absolutely one of the most entertaining action motion pictures ever made.
The preceding list is of my personal 10 best of the worst favorites. It is presented here for amusement purposes only and does not endorse, condone or encourage anti-social behavior. I was subject to the prolonged expose to these films for years. I'm sure they are what caused me to grow into a well adjusted tax payer and a mature responsible adult who just happens to ride a chopper.
*Dr. Gizmo Doodad holds
a degree in Faux Erudition MC Sciences from the prestigious Urban School
of Hard Knox. He is a non-practicing clinical physiologist and senior lecturer.
He can be contacted via cyberspace at firstname.lastname@example.org
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